A Jew, A Priest and a Muslim…

Now I know you think this is the beginning of a joke, but in actuality, it was the waiting room today prior to me having surgery.

Rewind a bit…on the path to better myself – it’s not only about physical health but mental health as well…and lately I’ve been making Sybil seem well adjusted. If I wasn’t laughing – I was crying. If I wasn’t crying – I was on the warpath. It got to the point that Aunt Flo became a frequent flyer at my airport. Enough is enough! So to save myself the bail money and a potential criminal record, I went to my OB/Gyn. Turns out I’m going through pre-menapause…aka “The Change”… We decided the best course of action for me to get an endometrial ablation as it has “minimal” side effects (I’ll get to THAT later.)

Endometrial ablation is a procedure that surgically destroys (ablates) the lining of your uterus (endometrium). The goal of endometrial ablation is to reduce menstrual flow. In some women, menstrual flow may stop completely. No incisions are needed for endometrial ablationEndometrial ablation – Mayo Clinic

First course of action – pre-surgery checklist. I think my yearly income tax returns require less information.

  • Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. ROGER THAT.
  • Do not wear any deodorant. Hmmm…Sucks to be my surgical team.
  • Take off all your jewelry. That equates to a cardinal sin for a Jew.
  • Do not wear any moisturizer. Yeah – that’s not going to happen. I’ve been wearing moisturizer everyday since I was 10.
  • Lastly, do not wear any makeup. Um, yeah that’s definitely not going to happen. First rule of thumb -always look your best because you never know what’s going to happen. (We’ll be coming back to this one.)

Second course of action -needed a COVID test prior to getting the surgery. Hmmm…seems easy enough, drive through COVID testing via the health clinic. Well, when the technician who’s performing said test – first words out her mouth, “I’m not going to be touching your brain” not only does NOT instill confidence but makes you wonder WTF is she going to do? I’ll tell you what she’s going to do – stick a 6 inch cotton swab clear up your nose and swoosh it around for 10-15 seconds…makes you want to sing Moon River.

Naturally, my test came back negative…so on with the show. Which brings me back to a Jew, a priest and a muslim are in our assigned seating (me being the Jew, and instead of a priest it was actually a nun) waiting our collective turns under the knife. My lotto ticket was up – I was called up and back I went SANS all my jewelry and in my most comfortable clothing I own.

Once in my assigned ER cubicle (aka staging dock), the nurse took all the preliminaries:

  • Name
  • Birthday
  • “Do you know why you’re here?” Does any of us know why we’re here?
  • “We need you to urinate into a cup – make sure you’re not pregnant.” Ummm…my tubes are tied and I’m here to cauterize the inside of my who-ha, I can guarantee I’m not pregnant.
  • “Take off all your clothes, including your socks. The gown opens up in the back.” Even my socks? I specifically wore alpaca ones for this occasion because hospitals are always freezing. Yep, had to take off my cosy alpaca socks and replace them with “the grippers”. You know the ones – hospital issued with rubberized imprints on the soles.
  • “Just relax, your surgical team will be here in a little bit.” Relax…I’m naked in a surgical gown and gripper socks…This brings me back to my earlier point, “First rule of thumb -always look your best because you never know what’s going to happen.”

Holy Mary, Mother of G-d…my surgical team (aka the Magic Mike team of the ER) arrived. It was a crew of fifteen, count ’em, fifteen FINE looking MALE doctors, anesthesiologists and nurses. This only further proves to the gentiles out in the audience that We Jews are G-d’s Chosen People. Praise be that I am a firm believer in keeping the cookie edible. This is EXACTLY why you always want to look your best. My couture may not be styling – but my face; totally on point, moisturized and cosmetics expertly applied.

My OB/Gyn (Shabbat Shalom) came in with several of his residents and walked me through the procedure, while Nurse Hot Pants was giving me an IV. Nurse Hairy Chest was checking my vitals for the umpteenth time (not that I minded). Then the Wrecking Crew (aka the team anesthesiologists) stopped by for an inspection. Oh my…by this time the drugs that Nurse Hot Pants gave me started to kick in: I became an inverse ratio. The more stoned I became, the more decreased my filter. Dr. Roofie (the head anesthesiologist) wanted me to open my mouth as wide as possible and smile wide. So of course I asked, “are you going to intubate me?” Nope, now they use this device, a supraglottic airway.

Supraglottic airways (SGAs) are a group of airway devices that can be inserted into the pharynx to allow ventilation, oxygenation, and administration of anesthetic gases, without the need for endotracheal intubation.

Then, Dr. Roofie showed me a picture of said device…and the previous demonstrations he asked of me all made perfect sense. I looked at the picture, then Dr. Roofie. “Doc, this is why my husband is very happy man. Let’s rock this out!” So off we- all 16 of us swaggered (I was wheeled in my bed) to the operating theatre (minus any popcorn).

Supraglottic airway device

Dr. OB/Gyn then went on to reiterate the procedure but then added, “don’t put anything in your vagina for two weeks.” I looked at both of him perplexed, “Doc, could you be any more specific? What exactly do you mean by ‘nothing in my vagina for two weeks?” Dr. OB/Gyn broke it down for me…now I got it. All I can say is my husband will definitely be thankful on Thanksgiving.

Fast forward a wee bit – the procedure went off without a hitch. Although, I wish I could have stayed in the recovery room for a few more hours – it was the best sleep I’ve had since my colonoscopy back in 2019.

Now remember I mentioned that the endometrial ablation has “minimal” side effects. Well these side effects can include:

  • foul-smelling discharge. NOPE – thank hippie Jesus!
  • fever. NOPE
  • chills. NOPE
  • intense cramping or stomach pain.**
  • heavy bleeding. NOPE – can I get an “amen”?
  • continual bleeding more than 2 days after the procedure. NOPE
  • trouble passing urine. NOPE

**Intense cramping, well THAT is an understandment. I should be grateful that I didn’t have the other “minimal” side effects…but DAMN! Picture labor pains, extreme gas and having to do a troop movement all at once. THAT is considered “minimal” side effect. And naturally the recovery nurse didn’t call in my prescription pain medication. All I had to cut the pain – ibuprofen, recommended dose 600mg. My dose 1000mg. I was out of commission the entire weekend.

Needless to say the pain went away and so did Aunt Flo. It’s nice being able to throw away all the supplements, the “hormone stabilizers” and all the other pre-menopause products that are supposed to make you feel better; key word is “supposed”. Women’s well being is a cottage industry playing on our emotions and fears. And now, Sybil has left the building.

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