Passover 2021

On this Seder night we remember our holy brothers and sisters who died in the name of baseless hatred in Pittsburgh and Kansas, in Europe and Israel and all across the globe. May we heighten our acts of kindness to honor their sacred memory. Their empty chairs at the Passover Seder remind us of our obligation to speak out against all hate and injustice.

In every generation, they seek to destroy us, but they have not destroyed us. This holy night is a “leil shimurim” – the night of God’s watchfulness – “one of vigil for all Israelites throughout the ages” [Exodus 12:42]. O Lord, watch over us this night and all other nights.

Give us the strength to stay faithful to tradition and uphold the prophet’s vision to be a “shomer emunim” [Isaiah 26:2], a guard of the covenant even in our darkest days. Give us the honesty to name and eradicate the hate in our own hearts that we may be worthy this Passover night of greater love. And let us watch over each other with love and without judgment.

Courtesy of Dr. Erica Brown

Best All Around Ever!!!

I use this for all my aches and pains, cuts, scrapes, etc. Best all over lotion ever!

CBD has a variety of practical, effective uses. This is why it’s recently skyrocketed in popularity across the country.

1000mg of cannabinoids

Written by Michael Tatz

AUGUST 14, 2020

While sublinguals like oils and chewables are the most common CBD products on the market, a growing number of people are catching on to the many benefits of a subdermal application—i.e., lotions and creams.

If you’re new to this world and want to learn more about CBD before you try it for yourself, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.

Key Takeaways: 

• CBD reduces exercise-induced inflammation

• CDB is used in the remedy of wrinkles, anti-aging, and acne

• CBD nourishes and moisturizes even the most sensitive skin

• CBD eases muscle and joint discomfort

What is in CBD Lotion?

CBD body lotions have been infused with a broad spectrum, water-soluble, hemp cannabidiol (CBD). The lotion contains an abundance of other powerful ingredients that help:

• Improve CBD absorption into the skin

• Protect against wrinkles and signs of aging

• Clear blemishes and fight acne prone skin

• Moisturize and revitalize your skin

• Relieve dry, itchy skin

• Compliment massage therapy

• Aid in shaving and waxing

It’s important to note that this type of CBD lotion is 100% THC free, meaning it’s completely non-psychoactive. It wouldn’t impact your mental clarity, prevent you from operating a vehicle, nor would it ever show up on a drug test.

The Benefits of CBD Oil on Skin

So, what can you expect when you add CBD topical or CBD cream to your daily routine? There are 3 powerful benefits worthy of special notice for these CBD lotions:

Reduces Exercise-Induced Inflammation 

Have you been building up your running endurance for a marathon? Did you recently get a Class Pass, and you’ve been killing yourself with all of the different exercise classes? That’s awesome!

But it’s probably making it harder for you to get up in the morning or to maintain your training day after day.

Whatever it is you’re doing to stay in shape, the older you get, the harder it becomes to recover from heavy exercise. Often, by the next morning, the areas around your joints and muscles are swollen, achy, and red. That irritation is caused by inflammation.

Inflammation is a part of your immune system’s response to external stimuli irritating the body. It’s intended to aid healing and recovery so you can rebound from exercise faster.

But what’s going on in your body?

Typically, there are several processes occurring:

• Increased blood flow brings a tide of immune system cells to the injured or affected area, where they aid the healing process.

• The hormones impact nerves and cause them to send pain signals.

• The pain signals caused by inflammation protect your body by alerting you to avoid damaging it further.

• The immune system cells increase fluid to the impacted area; it causes swelling, which eventually goes down once the area is healed.

CBD can help you combat exercise-induced inflammation. By applying CBD body lotion, CBD topical cream, or CBD oil lotion directly to wherever you’re feeling sore—hands, ankles, elbows, knees, shoulders, back, etc.—you can aid muscle recovery and reduce swelling and tension by using hemp lotions.

Nourishes and Moisturizes Your Skin 

If you regularly suffer from dry, cracked skin or get sunburnt easily, applying CBD oil on dry skin can take your facial care routine to entirely new heights.

On its own, CBD is already a powerful skin cleanser and moisturizer for dry skin.

But when CBD is added to all of the other powerful ingredients, it becomes even more effective.

Common benefits to your skin include:

• Moisturizing – CBD and shea butter provide your skin with some much-needed hydration. Both ingredients carry a wealth of vitamins and nutrients that increase moisture levels and fight dry and parched skin. This keeps your skin looking young, healthy, and glowing.

• Fighting blemishes – Blemishes are caused by skin oil (sebum) and dead skin clogging up your pores. When this happens, they develop bacteria (propionibacterium acnes) which turn into blackheads, pimples, and blemishes.

• Helping sunburns and wind chap – Whether you went skiing or spent time at the beach with too little sunscreen, slap some CBD lotion or body butter onto the sunburn (gently, of course) to fight the itchy, peeling discomfort. Aloe vera and CBD both have nourishing properties that help heal burnt skin. The synergy between the two can quiet your skin’s inflammatory response, cool down the impacted area, and speed up skin restoration.

• Preventing wrinkles – Wrinkles and fine lines are far more visible when your skin is dry or if it’s been burnt by the sun over the years. CBD lotion assists in the maintenance and regulation of healthy oil production, which can reduce the appearance of wrinkles and lines.

• Massage Agent – Massage is essential to help aid in relaxation as well as recovery. CBD lotion helps to enhance the healing effects of a massage by helping to soothe aches and discomfort as well as promote a calming feeling.

Apply CBD lotion in the morning and at night or before you leave your home for a workout. Doing so can make it easier to maintain your hydration levels and ensure that your skin stays healthy for years to come.

Easing Muscle and Joint Discomfort 

When you spend your entire day slouched over your desk and then follow that up with a round of heavy exercise, it exerts some serious pressure on both your muscles and joints. Over time, this can cause daily discomfort, particularly when you get up in the morning or fall into bed at night.

Joint stiffness and joint pain can impair your ability to move and function as normal, especially when that happens in your hands, feet, or back. Should that occur, it’ll be hard (if not impossible) to maintain your training routine.

CBD product such as CBD lotion allows you to directly combat the specific area where you’re feeling discomfort—whether that be the joints or the muscles.

If you’re feeling sore, simply massage the CBD body lotion into the affected spot for immediate relief. Or, if you know you’ve got a sensitive body part that inevitably begins to hurt post-workout, consider applying CBD before you even begin to exercise.

CBD lotion is one of the most effective ways to fortify your body and help it recover from the aches and discomforts of everyday life. While there are myriad benefits, the primary reasons to use CBD lotion daily include:

• Reduces exercise-induced inflammation

• Nourishes and moisturizes your skin

• Eases muscle and joint discomfort

https://audraschebella.goherbalife.com/Catalog/Home/Index/en-us

The Voyage

My crew abandoned me and I was all alone. Sunny days meant nothing to me. The ocean she was never calm. Navigated through tempests and storms lightning struck my mast and shattered it into the sea.I tried to find Safe-harbor a couple of times but those were a farce. Out into the blue I drifted.

Months went by and I had given up all hope. No stars to guide me, the horizon always shifting from under me; I was on my last rope. My skin was sunbaked, my lips were dry. My vision was lost out of my right eye. I knew I was going to die.

Something interesting happened, can’t explain why. On the one day the waters were calm I looked out to the starboard side and I saw a glass bottle with a note in it just bobbing by. I retrieved the bottle and popped off the cork, and pulled out the parchment. It wasn’t a letter but a treasure map scrolled in what appeared to be a little boy’s hand. Curiosity got the best of me; what did I have to lose?

With my beat up astrolabe in hand I set a course for the island detailed on the map. The ocean, she was amazingly calm and rocked me gently to my destination.

I lost track of time when alas I saw the island – it was as unremarkable as the journey not too much green but plenty of sand And Rocky mounts. Surprisingly, this island provided me something the others did not, a safe haven to moor my ship. The land was more vast than I thought, and I walked and crawled for days following the trail of my hunt. X marked the spot right next to the bluest pool I’ve ever seen – wild flowers and grasses were lush. A new found strength and peace overcame me, my bloodied lips lips smiled for the first time. A lightness filled me from within that I could not explain. Slowly and with care, I dug up the mariner’s chest. The thick Patinaed wood the metal lock rusted shut. I was to be the first pirate to open this chest in many a year, was rather apprehensive of what I’d find here.

I took a rock and broke open the lock. Slowly I opened the creaking lid and inside was what the most beautiful treasure I’d ever seen – that it brought once lost tears to my sun burnt eyes. I held it close and dear to my heart – this most beautiful treasure. I didn’t know what would become of me, but from that exact moment in time, I knew emphatically all would be fine.

So the Journey Continues…

Every Sunday morning – that’s my date with destiny: weekly weigh-in & measurements noted. Must admit, at first I dreaded it. Chubby girls don’t like numbers…the quote, “rub lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again…” SIDEBAR- I took my Grandma to see the movie when it first came to the theatre. I just thought it would be your basic murder mystery…

Lotion

The process is simple: wake up, go to the bathroom, have 1/2 a fag, grab a cup of cold Java with my protein Herbalife shake. Walk over to the scale, fag sticking on my bottom lip, drop my clothes and step up on the scale in my Lady Godiva attire. I give the scale a nasty look as if to say, “be nice…or die.” Scale spits out a number -which I shan’t reveal. Next I step off and go to…The Measurement List…

  • Chest (lost over an inch…the ladies are becoming girls…my husband laments)
  • Waist (lost 3 inches: wow!!! the hourglass is losing sand in the middle)
  • Hips (lost an inch…because they don’t lie)
  • Thighs (lost an inch total…will be cracking walnuts soon)
  • Arms (lost about a 1/2 inch weight training by lifting the kids)

I document the numbers. My mantra is to never put anything in writing that can be used against me at a later date, but in this case, I make an exception. Extortion be damned.

Overall, I’m proud of myself: sticking to my diet. Have I mentioned I despise that word: not only does it contain “die” but it always seems to have a negative vibe, like I’m being denied. Herbalife has made a vast difference in how I view the word “diet” as I see it now as anything I ingest: the good, the bad…and the ugly. 🤪

BPM: because Black Pupils Matter

Living out in Huckleberry County, in a village that time forgot, one would think nothing ever happens out here. I thought that…

Picture it: Wednesday O’Dark Thirty and it was garbage day. Usually we take the garbage out on Tuesday night; but for some reason, perhaps serendipity, we didn’t so my husband who’s an insomniac was up early…

I was still asleep; as anything before 0700 is simply draconian and uncivilized, when my dogs, specifically 300 pounds of them were barking and jumping on our bed trying to wake me up. Groggily I opened my eyes and heard some commotion coming out of the garage. I heard my husband moving around and talking; presumed he was the phone until I heard that second voice…now I knew why the dogs were so persistent and woke me up.

Got myself out of bed- not exactly cognizant of what I was wearing, or rather the lack of…and grabbed my Sjambok.

“The sjambok or litupa is a heavy leather whip. It is traditionally made from an adult hippopotamus or rhinoceros hide, but is also commonly made out of plastic. A strip of the animal’s hide is cut and carved into a strip 0.9 to 1.5 metres long, tapering from about 25 mm thick at the handle to about 10 mm at the tip. Wikipedia

I headed out to our garage with our dogs in diamond point formation, opened the door and there he was; a younger fella: late 20s/early 30s, clean cut, wearing black pajamas, socks, bed slippers and more lit up than the 4th of July…

Ever see those movies where drug addicts – their portrayal seems “over the top”? Well – guess what? They’re not. This fella was sweating like a constipated elephant- dripping from every pore. His eyes were so dilated he looked like Damien 2.0.

So here I am in my pajamas with my sjambok staring at this man obviously strung out on some hallucinogenic, and of course I yell at him, “who the fuck are you?!!” Believe it or not, he snapped to point of attention and gave me his real name (later I confirmed this on Facebook). He was flaying around in our garage in hystronics that “the government is out to kill me!” You know those movies (we all watch them) where the actor/actress is straight tripping out on hallucinogenics and we assume it’s dramatized? Well, guess what? It’s not.

So back to the story…this young man completely out of his mind without any concept of what happened to him or where he was at, was standing at the threshold of our home.

Now, the dogs got involved…diamond star formation. The German Shepherd, Ziva, hacked up, defense four point stance, was standing guard in the hallway to our daughter’s room. No way in cold hell would anyone get past her. Tilda, our English Mastiff, the teddy bear of the bunch, didn’t look so cuddly. Teeth bared, poised to launch, she was standing guard in front of our bedroom where our son crashed out for the night. Leading the charge against Damien 2.0, was Dunkle, aka Cujo Jr., our mini-dachshund and King, the Doberman we rescued. Both were standing between myself and this intruder – both set to rip his cajones off, if necessary.

This apparently scared the literal shit out of the miscreant -because he started to REALLY freak out and scream, “THE CIA SPOOKS, THEY’RE OUT TO KILL ME!!!” Damien 2.0 then took off running into the street like the devil himself was on his heels. Who knows, maybe he was…

Looking back, the incident while hysterical at the same time was bittersweet. Damien 2.0 made a poor decision and almost paid for it with his life. A side effect of youth is the misplaced comfortableness of invincibility. As amazing as our bodies are- we are fragile just the same. A simple chemical concoction can change our entire morphology in the blink of an eye.

Side Bar: someone else in our small town called the local constabulary and Damien 2.0 was retrieved and taken to get aid.

21 Day Challenge

Today I start my 21 day challenge for December, after the gluttonous week of Thanksgiving. Although, I am very thankful that I had the ability to be gluttonous. That is a blessing within itself. But when my pants don’t fit – and I have to lay on the bed to zip up my jeans, time to pay the piper and get back up on the saddle.

Step One – weigh in. My scale and I have developed a truce of sorts – I can step on it now without grimacing. A number is just a number and only I have the ability to accept it and improve upon it.

Weight 1**lbs (ha ha -you really think I’d post THAT?)

Step Two – measurements. Here’s where I get a little WTF…We as women have all been ingrained to be a perfect size 2 – well I for one am genetically not able to be a size 2 – at least not anymore. So as I’m preparing myself to take these measurements – I need to be cognizant that these too are only numbers and if I so desire I can improve upon these as well.

  • BUST
  • WAIST
  • HIPS
  • RIGHT ARM
  • LEFT ARM
  • RIGHT THIGH
  • LEFT THIGH

Step Three – photographs; specifically BEFORE photographs. No one likes to be a “before” photograph. Why? Because you have to acknowledge your perceived shortcomings- you have to look at yourself dead on and see fault; at least that’s how we’ve been trained. I think today is the day, at least for me that I’m going to look at these “before” photographs not with shame or embarrassment but with pride – that yes, I need to work on a few things, I’m not perfect. But no one else is either – I don’t have the team of airbrushers that the fashion industry does. I don’t work out 3-4 daily in fear of gaining weight. I have battled my eating disorders/addictions and have prevailed. I have been on this Earth for almost 48 years – with battle scars to prove it. Some people aren’t so lucky. So yes, my “before” pictures are a baseline of whom I am and a starting point of what I can accomplish.

Step Four – commitment. Can I commit to a challenge lasting 21 days without cheating? Can I be honest with myself and what I want to accomplish and prove to myself. This is the part of the process where you have to look within yourself and say yes, regardless how there will be days you don’t want to exercise, drink water, or stick to a balanced eating plan (NOTE: not DIET as that has the word “die” in it – hard pass) you need to pull yourself by your big girl pants and just keep doing it. You made a promise to yourself; which leads me to the next step…

Step Five- accountability. This attribute seems to be something lacking in general society as a whole. In order to get the most out of life, out of yourself, you need to hold yourself accountable for your actions. If I cheat and eat a Suzy Q – that’s on me and no one else. So in order to hold myself accountable I’m doing this blog – keeping track of who I am and what I do. Each week when when I weigh and measure myself – I will keep track of my progress (fingers crossed) and document my journey.

There you have it – my 21 Day Challenge and 5 steps to accomplish my goals. What are my goals? Simple – to be able to wear my clothes loosely and not have to lay on my bed to zip up my jeans.

Day 2, Snake Oil or The Holy Grail

Checklist:

  • Self Inventory CHECK
  • Weigh In CHECK
  • Herbalife Meal Replacement Shake…

Now if you’re a woman over the age 35 and not part of the 2% whom are just a naturally genetically gifted size 2 (bitches, the lot of them), chances are you’ve done at LEAST one of the following:

Slim Fast meal replacement shakes: its claim to fame- “The original meal replacement shake you can’t resist. Creamy Milk Chocolate is for every chocolate lover. Deliciously sweet and packed with protein and fiber, it keeps you full for up to four hours. This is the guilt-free way to enjoy chocolate and still lose weight.” Ha! Each shake is a whopping 10.9 oz with ONLY 10mg of protein and 25 carbohydrates. Please, I’d be more satisfied with a Snickers bar. 10 oz as a meal replacement? For whom, an infant?

Alli – the only NON-prescription FDA approved weight loss pill. “alli (orlistat 60 milligram capsules) is your smart edge for weight loss. Among weight loss products, it’s Orlistat, the active ingredient in alli, is a lipase inhibitor and works by binding to specific enzymes that break down fats. As a result, about 25 percent of the fat you consume is not absorbed and passes through the digestive system. Since the calories associated with this unabsorbed fat are not used, the number of calories that enter your system is reduced. You’re ready with alli by your side. alli (orlistat 60 milligram capsules) is a weight loss aid for overweight adults, 18 years and older, when used along with a reduced calorie and low fat diet. Read and follow label directions.” Hmmm…sounds great, right? But where does that “25 percent of the fat you consume is not absorbed and passes through the digestive system.” go? Let’s just say a picture is worth 1,000 words.

Appetite Suppressants – suppressant is the PC code for stimulants. “Green tea fat burner formula. Green tea leaf extract is packed with antioxidants and EGCG (epigallocatechin) which support increased energy, stamina and thermogenesis and help curb appetite. Digestive metabolism booster. This herbal weight loss and detox supplement contains polyphenols that help reduce abdominal bloating, support digestion and work as an appetite suppressant, helping you lose more weight.” 9 times out of 10, the main ingredients are a huge bolus of green tea and coffee bean extract. In other words , you’re mainlining a huge dose of caffeine. So are you stimulated? I would call that an understatement.

Fat Burners– they all promise to burn that lard around your middle; no more Dunlops. Don’t need to change your diet or exercise. Keep on keeping on, pop these puppies and you’ll be sporting Daisy Dukes in no time. The only thing these fat burners burn, a hole in my wallet.

Which now brings me to my Indiana Jones moment- will I choose wisely? Is this Herbalife meal replacement shake just another marketing scam targeting my insecurities? That dreaded three digit number? A good friend of mine, Christy, has been on these products for YEARS. So I asked her option and advice. Her response, “The products themselves have changed my life, and my families. I have lost 65 pounds and been able to maintain that weight loss, found food & nutrition in a healthy way. I now enjoy what I eat, have amazing energy. You don’t know how bad you feel until you feel better.” Well then, other than my wallet and pride what do I have to lose? That being said, based on her recommendations I placed my first order with Herbalife.

  • 14oz shaker bottle
  • Herbalife Formula 1 Nutritional Shake Mix, French Vanilla
  • Herbalife Personalized Protein Powder
  • Herbalife, Herbal Concentrate Tea, Peach
  • Herbalife Cell-U-Loss® Weight Loss Enhancer Natural Detoxification and Healthy Elimination of Water
  • 32 oz Water Bottle with Time Marker
  • Liftoff®: Ignite-Me Orange 30 Tablets
  • Herbal Aloe Concentrate: Cranberry Pint $
  • TOTAL SPENT under $235.00 (month supply)

Now I know $235 is at least to me, not pocket change but when I did the math, I’m only spending $6.90 a day. Breaking it down to a daily number, that is actually pretty reasonable…and I received my products via FedEx in two days…not too shabby.

First thing I did after ripping open the boxes, I checked the Herbalife Formula 1 Nutritional Shake Mix, French Vanilla’s nutrition facts and was pleasantly surprised: low on the glycemic index (aka low in sugars, which is a huge bonus for me – I’m hypoglycemic) and the protein content ranges anywhere from 17-24g of protein (depending how your shake is prepared).

Based on Christy’s tutelage, I set off to make my first shake (breakfast). Disclaimer– I am so not a breakfast person, so when she told me drink this first thing in the morning with my coffee, I thought this is doable because the only thing that IS a requirement of mine in the morning is leaded coffee.

RECIPE (I’ll admit, I gerried a wee bit)

  • 2 measured cups (cups provided in mix) of the shake
  • 1 measured cup of the personalized protein powder
  • Ice
  • At least 10oz water
  • 1-2 oz cold/warm coffee
  • 1-2 oz milk
  • Shake well
  • Drink up

And now the proverbial moment of truth…actually consuming it…actually pretty darn tootin’ tasty. And because the shake had roughly 30g of protein Not only was my beast dated until early afternoon, but my sugars stabilized to where I was only one personality versus several. I felt great!

For the first time in awhile I felt good about myself – there was a sense of accomplishment and pride, that “I got this” and in a time where the shit hitting the fan, I felt in control. Funny how a simple and what most would call insignificant decision can make such an impact.

I have chosen…wisely.

Day One

11.01.2020

New month – no time better than the present to self-evaluate. I refuse to beat myself up; I’m a work in progress. 

Physically- for 47 I’m looking pretty good: no wrinkles, boobs are perky. Weight…eh I could lose a few pounds. Healthy as a horse. No one in the household has “the Scourge”. 

Financially- I’m employed with a steady paycheck and thankful I work from home. Been with the company almost 18 years. 

Roof over my family’s head, food in the fridge, family is happy and healthy & the bills are paid. Life is good. 

What to work on: pre-menopause what a pain in the ass. There are days where I know I make Sybil seem well adjusted. You want to make a terrorist talk, don’t water board them, give them hot flashes, multiple periods a month & and turn them into an emotional fuckwit. I can guarantee they WILL talk. 

On that note, I want to lose 20 pounds which is easier said than done. I want to get off the emotional rollercoaster. And I’d appreciate it if Aunt Flo just left a note at the door. 

A Jew, A Priest and a Muslim…

Now I know you think this is the beginning of a joke, but in actuality, it was the waiting room today prior to me having surgery.

Rewind a bit…on the path to better myself – it’s not only about physical health but mental health as well…and lately I’ve been making Sybil seem well adjusted. If I wasn’t laughing – I was crying. If I wasn’t crying – I was on the warpath. It got to the point that Aunt Flo became a frequent flyer at my airport. Enough is enough! So to save myself the bail money and a potential criminal record, I went to my OB/Gyn. Turns out I’m going through pre-menapause…aka “The Change”… We decided the best course of action for me to get an endometrial ablation as it has “minimal” side effects (I’ll get to THAT later.)

Endometrial ablation is a procedure that surgically destroys (ablates) the lining of your uterus (endometrium). The goal of endometrial ablation is to reduce menstrual flow. In some women, menstrual flow may stop completely. No incisions are needed for endometrial ablationEndometrial ablation – Mayo Clinic

First course of action – pre-surgery checklist. I think my yearly income tax returns require less information.

  • Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. ROGER THAT.
  • Do not wear any deodorant. Hmmm…Sucks to be my surgical team.
  • Take off all your jewelry. That equates to a cardinal sin for a Jew.
  • Do not wear any moisturizer. Yeah – that’s not going to happen. I’ve been wearing moisturizer everyday since I was 10.
  • Lastly, do not wear any makeup. Um, yeah that’s definitely not going to happen. First rule of thumb -always look your best because you never know what’s going to happen. (We’ll be coming back to this one.)

Second course of action -needed a COVID test prior to getting the surgery. Hmmm…seems easy enough, drive through COVID testing via the health clinic. Well, when the technician who’s performing said test – first words out her mouth, “I’m not going to be touching your brain” not only does NOT instill confidence but makes you wonder WTF is she going to do? I’ll tell you what she’s going to do – stick a 6 inch cotton swab clear up your nose and swoosh it around for 10-15 seconds…makes you want to sing Moon River.

Naturally, my test came back negative…so on with the show. Which brings me back to a Jew, a priest and a muslim are in our assigned seating (me being the Jew, and instead of a priest it was actually a nun) waiting our collective turns under the knife. My lotto ticket was up – I was called up and back I went SANS all my jewelry and in my most comfortable clothing I own.

Once in my assigned ER cubicle (aka staging dock), the nurse took all the preliminaries:

  • Name
  • Birthday
  • “Do you know why you’re here?” Does any of us know why we’re here?
  • “We need you to urinate into a cup – make sure you’re not pregnant.” Ummm…my tubes are tied and I’m here to cauterize the inside of my who-ha, I can guarantee I’m not pregnant.
  • “Take off all your clothes, including your socks. The gown opens up in the back.” Even my socks? I specifically wore alpaca ones for this occasion because hospitals are always freezing. Yep, had to take off my cosy alpaca socks and replace them with “the grippers”. You know the ones – hospital issued with rubberized imprints on the soles.
  • “Just relax, your surgical team will be here in a little bit.” Relax…I’m naked in a surgical gown and gripper socks…This brings me back to my earlier point, “First rule of thumb -always look your best because you never know what’s going to happen.”

Holy Mary, Mother of G-d…my surgical team (aka the Magic Mike team of the ER) arrived. It was a crew of fifteen, count ’em, fifteen FINE looking MALE doctors, anesthesiologists and nurses. This only further proves to the gentiles out in the audience that We Jews are G-d’s Chosen People. Praise be that I am a firm believer in keeping the cookie edible. This is EXACTLY why you always want to look your best. My couture may not be styling – but my face; totally on point, moisturized and cosmetics expertly applied.

My OB/Gyn (Shabbat Shalom) came in with several of his residents and walked me through the procedure, while Nurse Hot Pants was giving me an IV. Nurse Hairy Chest was checking my vitals for the umpteenth time (not that I minded). Then the Wrecking Crew (aka the team anesthesiologists) stopped by for an inspection. Oh my…by this time the drugs that Nurse Hot Pants gave me started to kick in: I became an inverse ratio. The more stoned I became, the more decreased my filter. Dr. Roofie (the head anesthesiologist) wanted me to open my mouth as wide as possible and smile wide. So of course I asked, “are you going to intubate me?” Nope, now they use this device, a supraglottic airway.

Supraglottic airways (SGAs) are a group of airway devices that can be inserted into the pharynx to allow ventilation, oxygenation, and administration of anesthetic gases, without the need for endotracheal intubation.

Then, Dr. Roofie showed me a picture of said device…and the previous demonstrations he asked of me all made perfect sense. I looked at the picture, then Dr. Roofie. “Doc, this is why my husband is very happy man. Let’s rock this out!” So off we- all 16 of us swaggered (I was wheeled in my bed) to the operating theatre (minus any popcorn).

Supraglottic airway device

Dr. OB/Gyn then went on to reiterate the procedure but then added, “don’t put anything in your vagina for two weeks.” I looked at both of him perplexed, “Doc, could you be any more specific? What exactly do you mean by ‘nothing in my vagina for two weeks?” Dr. OB/Gyn broke it down for me…now I got it. All I can say is my husband will definitely be thankful on Thanksgiving.

Fast forward a wee bit – the procedure went off without a hitch. Although, I wish I could have stayed in the recovery room for a few more hours – it was the best sleep I’ve had since my colonoscopy back in 2019.

Now remember I mentioned that the endometrial ablation has “minimal” side effects. Well these side effects can include:

  • foul-smelling discharge. NOPE – thank hippie Jesus!
  • fever. NOPE
  • chills. NOPE
  • intense cramping or stomach pain.**
  • heavy bleeding. NOPE – can I get an “amen”?
  • continual bleeding more than 2 days after the procedure. NOPE
  • trouble passing urine. NOPE

**Intense cramping, well THAT is an understandment. I should be grateful that I didn’t have the other “minimal” side effects…but DAMN! Picture labor pains, extreme gas and having to do a troop movement all at once. THAT is considered “minimal” side effect. And naturally the recovery nurse didn’t call in my prescription pain medication. All I had to cut the pain – ibuprofen, recommended dose 600mg. My dose 1000mg. I was out of commission the entire weekend.

Needless to say the pain went away and so did Aunt Flo. It’s nice being able to throw away all the supplements, the “hormone stabilizers” and all the other pre-menopause products that are supposed to make you feel better; key word is “supposed”. Women’s well being is a cottage industry playing on our emotions and fears. And now, Sybil has left the building.